That's Fantasty!

It's true, journalists have no sense of humor and in all likelihood, are -- I'm sad to say -- retards.

Let's take a look:

• Ghost of Christmas blunders past
• Can Lions exorcise ghost of Christmas past?
• 3 Ghosts Are Haunting Best Buy
• Oracle Meets Ghost of Christmas Future
• Ghost Of Christmas Past: Ron Paul Favored Federal Slaveowner Bailout Over Civil War
• The ghost of Christmas truces past
• Apple's Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come
• The ghost of Oxegen past: Five of our favourite performances
• The ghosts of Sam Hurd's Christmas past
• Ghost of Christmas future
• The Ghosts of Boyfriends Past
• Student Assignment: Wake’s Ghost of Christmas Past and Future
• Frankincense is Soon to be the Ghost of Christmas Past
• The ghost of Christmas past, Greenville-style
• A ghost of classic movies past
• ‘THE GHOST SHIP' OF CHRISTMAS PAST: 134-year old schooner docks in Destin for holidays
• The Jets are the Chiefs' Ghost of Christmas Future
• The ghost of a Christmas tree tax
• Ghost of Christmas Past
• AC Secret Santa: Ghost of Christmas Future Visits SK (from Ryan)
• A visit from Pekin’s Ghost of Christmas Past . . .
• A Visit From The Ghost Of Christmas Past
• The ghost of Christmas post
• Ghost of Christmas Past
• Chris McGrath: Long Run haunted by a ghost of Christmas past
• Paul and the Ghost of Christian Past
• The ghost of Vice Chairman past
• The Spirits of Christmas Past Still Living at The Curtis House Inn
• Marines conjure up the ghost of Christmas yet to come
• Ghost of Christmas past
• Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future
• Historical Photos Reveal Detroit Of Christmas Past
• The Ghost of Communists Past
• The ghosts of Christmas
• Ghost of Christmas Tournaments Past visits
• Liverpool 1, Blackburn 1: The Ghost of Christmas Past
• Letters to the President #1071: 'The ghost of Christmas past'
• The Ghost Of Christmas Past: Khloe Kardashian Was A Hot Blonde! (Added Dec 28th, yes Christmas is fucking over.)

It goes on and on, you can search yourself to easily find so many more. If Charles Dickens knew how many crappy journalists were creating puns based on the characters in his novel "A Christmas Carol," he'd spin in his grave -- but he can't do that, because Charles Dickens is fucking dead... and this joke should die too.

I updated from PHPMyAdmin 3.3.8.1 to 3.4.6.0 and the first thing I noticed is that the new export interface is a complete piece of shit. I used to export tables all the time to save having to re-type fields and so forth for large inserts/updates, and also as a reference to other fields as I'm programming. Now you have to jump through 10 hoops to avoid accidentally dumping the entire table, since there's no longer a way to simply not export entries and only the schema.

Screw it, I'm going back, thank god for backups.

A few years ago when I was still doing IT work being outsourced to small companies there was one in particular that was a real pain the ass. The company in question was a drug treatment facility for recovering addicts. I could never understand how this place cured anyone, because all they talked about was how awesome all the drugs they used to do were -- really! I'm not just talking about in groups I overheard, but the people that worked there, all they could seem to talk about was drugs, all the time, and nothing else; they seriously lacked the ability to talk about anything except their former drug addict past.

Being poor conversationalists isn't what this post is about though. There were two different people at the company, who I'll call Ted and Nicki, both were at least 50 years old and the furthest from computer experts you could be.

Nicki was a pathological liar. Just one instance of this, she claimed to us the accounting software they used was no longer working from her desktop (typically they used it over RDP on a server). Both my associate and I explained to her that no one has it on their local computers, it all runs off the server; she claimed that it was working just last week! So we check it out, of course it doesn't work, she just installed it and incorrectly anyway. She's with us in her office at this point, talking about why she needs the software to work on her desktop. At this point she says to us "... and that's why I've been using Carol's computer to do accounting, this has never worked in here." Wait a second... I thought it worked just last week?

There were a lot of other similar stories to this as well, I just can't remember them. She lied about changes made, who do did what, etc all the time, and needlessly so.

The other guy, Ted, you know I'm not so sure he was a liar so much as he was insane. He bitched all the time about how the company had to switch to computers in 1995 (it was 2009 at this point) and he still doesn't get it. He was right though, he seriously didn't get it. Not only was numlock confusing to him, but if a short cut was moved to another place on the desktop, it was time to freak out because the program was deleted -- despite the fact he had all of about 5 total shortcuts on his desktop, with different icons, so it was easy to tell what was what.

One instance in particular was especially bizarre for me. A little back story: there were 2 people, other than myself that did IT work for this guy from my company. One of them was about to be let go, for unrelated problems, I'll call him Dave.

Once we got a call there was a problem with the terminal server at this business, so I went over there by myself to check it out. It could have waited, probably, since the next day another guy and I were scheduled to come and virtualize a server and take the hardware offline, but what the hell, I'm a nice guy. I get there and went to Ted's machine, the man with the problem.

Ted simply told me the "server didn't work anymore." I said, "Alright, sir, let me see." Always polite, with a smile. I try to be as nice as possible to customers, even if I think they're stupid. At this point, I didn't think he was being stupid at all, I figured it may actually be broken. I double clicked on the terminal services icon that was on his desktop (1 of about 5) and it opens, connects, and I'm able to login with his information.

I said "It seems to work now, maybe it was a hiccup." He said "Alright, let me check everything." After sitting down at his machine, with me next to him, he said "No, see, it's not working again." I said "What do you mean?" Apparently he, or someone, renamed the terminal services icon from ts2008 to just ts, and this means it didn't work anymore. I realized instantly what the problem is, and I explained to him, in a polite and non-condescending manner mind you, "The icon is actually the same thing, if you click on it, it will take you right to the server. If you'd like I can rename the icon for you." And he said "Well, that'd be nice," with a sort of smart ass tone.

He then made a comment, which I get every once in a while, he said to me, verbatim: "Some people are good at different things, I'm good at the guitar, and you're good with computers, we've just gotta help each other out." I said "Exactly, no one is an expert in anything." He didn't seem upset or anything at this point. I showed him the change, got him to test it again, and everything was fine. I then left.

The next day my associate and I come in and are about to get to work, he calls us into his office. He says, "I want to lodge a complaint against one of your employees." He then went on to complain about how Dave came in yesterday and didn't help him, was rude and smug, and scoffed at the idea of helping him. I'm thinking to myself "Dave came in yesterday? I thought I was the only person, maybe he's thinking of a different day." He then goes on to describe the previous day, me helping him with the icon, then goes on to say that "And I told him, sure you can fix computers, but you can't play the guitar like me."

Wait, what the hell? I instantly realized he was talking about me, thinking I was some completely different person that didn't look or sound anything remotely like me. Was this guy insane or what? How could you not remember something like that?

He would tell this story every time we were there, each time it got more fantastic, such as the next time, "I told him, 'I don't know computers, but I bet you can't play Sweet Home Alabama on the guitar.'" And it went on like this until I stopped doing IT work.

This is why I say I'm not sure Ted was so much a liar as he was insane, maybe retarded, I don't know. Other than the fact he didn't remember who I was, despite being there many times before, and lodged a complaint against another employee which wasn't even there, I'm not sure why he kept assuming that I (or Dave as he thought) couldn't play guitar. We never had a conversation about guitars before. By the way, I can play the guitar, and yes I can play Sweet Home Alabama.

There's always this assumption from non-computer people, that since they view your job as difficult, the opposite must be true. For example this one guy made a comment to me about not being able to fix diesel engines, since I do computers. How does he know I don't know how to fix diesel engines? Is having the ability to check your network settings mean I can't do anything else?

Anyway, this company had an annoying habit that, no matter what you did, they'd want to shut down everything and start everything over again and double check everything, including testing all the printers -- even if you just plugged up a UPS or something.

They also had a bad habit of rarely paying us, racking up about $17,000 in unpaid invoices, of which they eventually paid $7,000. They'd call us at least twice a week to do something. I figured we should fire them as customers.

Something I've noticed since I've used BBSes is that guys with the last name "Bird," "Byrd," or "Byrde" or some other form there-of, seem to believe their last name is so cool and original that it warrants being their handle/nickname/screename.

I distinctly remember five different people with the last name Bird (various spellings) from 6th grade all the way until the end of high school. All five of those guys thought they were elite hackers from the planet cDc, and of course all called themselves "bird." Oh so original, and oh so not-anonymous. Yes, I'm especially talking about you, David Bird, who thought netbus was hacking.

Maybe you're wondering what my handle was back then: it was Pepperjack, just like the delicious cheese, and no, it's not my last name.

I've got news for you guys: it's not cool, and it's not any more original than calling yourself "neo" or "sandman." So stop... no wait, better yet, don't stop, so when we see you calling yourself by your last name, we know you're a lame douche bag.

There are two songs that really, I think, represent Generation X and whatever the new one is called... Millennials or something.

The song Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO keeps coming on the radio:

My wife claimed it's basically the same song as The Vengaboys - We Like To Party:

NAY I SAY!

The Vengaboys song is the fucking anthem. It's a battle cry for a generation that it is we, yes WE, like to party.

The other day I was talking to my wife about the Oprah Winfrey Network and how much I hate Oprah's bullshit. She gets people to believe in stuff like "The Secret" and puts on doctors like Dr. Oz who really have no clue what the hell they're talking about, and give bad advice to people.

Then it hit me and I said "Oprah is like Lenin for fat housewives." It's a gross simplification and it's completely true. Her producers are like the Politburo, they meet in secret in order to further misinformation in order to gain more power over the ladies in Pajama Jeans and Snuggies. The audience is an ever changing Central Committee which exists to praise the exalted General Secretary Comrade Winfrey.

Yeah... not really, she's just full of shit and her network sucks.

Yeah it's an old movie; wanna fight about it?

I'm a sucker for multidimensional travel, which is why I liked that cheesy ass show Sliders so much. I realize that The Mist is a book, but I've never read it, because I'm too busy with my life as a freestyle model and karaoke superstar to read even menus, let alone novellas. So, no, I didn't read the book, and I'm never going to.

I originally saw the movie when it was in theaters; that is to say I downloaded a cam of it and didn't pay anything to see it. The things that annoyed me then, annoyed me when I watched the movie again recently.

Two things annoy me about the movie. The first is the focus on that crazy lady and her religious ramblings, finally towards the end of the film someone shoots her in the head; I honestly would've liked to have seen that much earlier in the film, like before she even started talking at all. So, at least I had some relief when it came to her.

The other thing that bothered me was that people had this instinct to not survive, but rather just kill themselves. It was obnoxious on the same level as Winona Ryder being a cyborg and having to put up with her for 2 hours. The only people actually interested in really surviving seem to be the people that are killed by the monsters. Everyone else seems hell bent on just ending it all like a teenage boy that lost his iPod and got his Nintendo Wii taken away.

If other SciFi movies worked like The Mist

One of my favorite not-so-good scifi films is Independence Day. AW HELL NAW you say? Too fucking bad, I love it!

Let's consider for a second if this great film was anything like The Mist.

Instead of hiding in the tunnel utility closet to escape the fire, Jasmine would
have just strangled her boy and kicked the dog to death, then jumped into the fire. Will Smith wouldn't have punched the alien and smoked his cigar, rather just hung
himself with his parachut cord from the side of the space craft. Instead of trying to destroy the planet by turning over trash cans and staggering around like a wino, Jeff Goldblum would've used his father's yarmulke to suffocate himself.

And face it, stuff was way worse in Independence day. There weren't just monsters running around, there were highly developed aliens from beyond the Moon using super weapons to annihilate humanity.

Back on point

So the movie ends with the main character killing everyone in the car, his son included, and not having enough bullets to kill himself. Naturally! And then he steps out of the car to have one of the monsters get him, but instead the military shows up and the Mist clears. What a fucking, weak, pathetic retard. They didn't even wait 10 minutes before deciding to kill themselves and a kid, they just say "well, we're out of gas, better buy the farm."

Whenever I bitch and moan about this insignificant stuff, people try to explain to me that there was "no other way." Bullshit. Even humanity was down to less than 1,000 individuals at one point in our history, the best thing would've been not to survive, but just to commit mass suicide -- a sort of sub-Saharan Jones Town. Lest we also forget horrific events like the holocaust, where most people struggled to survive. If we take The Mist's account of the struggle of Man, we assume that basically everyone just kills themselves as soon as anything gets anywhere near complicated.

That's retarded, bro.

Honestly, if I were in the same situation, and I've got kids, I wouldn't kill my kids and then kill myself. I'd do everything possible to survive. Though, if a loved one was being eaten by something, I'd do them a favor and kill them at that point. I then would keep going, I wouldn't just kill myself.

In this episode, there's murder afoot! But it was an easy solve, the guy admitted to it. Fuckin' sweet, not even CSI has it this easy. No matter, they just banish him... or do they?*

Anyway, we go back to the whole "Kara" situation, that is Josh trying to get his teenage girlfriend back from the future. He has to meet with the evil leader of the Sixers, which makes sense, because ... well does it matter? The first episode the portal was one way, now it's not.

*Sort of, but they let him back in. It turns out some other guy did it.

In this episode we learn about Lea, Leon, Leo, Lee, Lea, whatever her name is, the actors can't decide -- maybe the pathogen from the previous episode is making them forget how to say her name. Apparently this little girl wondered off (read: ran away) from the Sixers, and was being kept in some sort of abusive prisoner conditions by the Sixers leader. After being captured and treated well by the Terra Nova people, the Sixers come to get her.

HOLY FUCK SHE'S A SPY! BUT SHE'S ADORABLE!

But whatever dude, it all works out in the end.

Episode 4 begins with us finding out there's some sort of pathogen that makes people lose their memories and get all messed up, but that's not what I'm interested in. I'm more interested in that, 20 minutes in, we learn that the portal is one wayactually two way when it's open, and they can send messages back. Talk about deus ex machina. That's really convenient.

Instead of laying out the girl that was already there, Josh absolutely has to send back for his teenage girlfriend. Which is pretty weird, because Josh looks to be about 30.